More and more I hear from women about how their daughter-in-law only focuses on her side of the family and acts as though her husband has no family at all. She decides, for whatever reason, that his family is not a group of people she wants to spend time with, which means – they won’t spend time with his family. Why does it have to be an “either-or” situation – either his side of the family or hers?
I must say I don’t have an answer for this. I am at a loss to really understand why a daughter-in-law feels the need to exclude her husband’s family from their lives. So to daughters-in-law – What possible reason could justify saying to your husband (at least through your actions) that his family isn’t important, that they don’t matter – to you – and shouldn’t matter to him? Have their actions been so atrocious, so horrific that you can’t allow yourself to be in the same room with them? Why get rid of them instead of figuring out a way to make things better between you? I realize it takes work and energy, and even though they are not your family, they are still family.
As a psychologist I have my theories, but that’s what they are – just theories. So I think about this situation and thoughts come to mind and then questions come up that I will share…food for thought and questions to explore:
- Isn’t marriage about compromise and balance…how does this action play into that?
- How do you think this makes your husband feel that you feel his family is “less than” your family? Does this mean you feel he is “less than” as well since he came from that family?
- How would you feel if your husband told you that you could not see or spend time with your family…that the two of you will be spending the holidays only with his family?
- If you refuse to spend time with your husband’s family what message are you giving your children about family relationships? What are you teaching them through your actions (they learn more through actions than words).
- What if, when your child is an adult and marries he/she did the same to you?
- What reasons do you tell yourself that makes it OK to not try to resolve your concerns or issues with his family?
And a few questions/thoughts for husbands/sons
- How does it feel when your wife is telling you either through her words or actions that your family doesn’t count…that they are not worth spending time with?
- Why do you allow your family to be cut off from you and your children? How do you justify it in your own mind?
- Are you really the one who wants little or no contact with your family, but allow your wife to be the “heavy” and then you show helplessness in the situation?
- There is no way this action does not affect how you feel or relate to your wife. Can you describe how it shows up in your interactions with your wife?
I am not trying to be critical, really. I am just trying to understand. And if I could ask these questions face-to-face I would do it, but this is the only forum I can ask these questions right now. This is such an important thing that happens in families and it affects every person – I mean e-v-e-r-y person in the family…even the daughter-in-law.
So, please help me out…give me some insight so that I can understand. I promise to pass along the collective understanding on this issue….
You asked “why do daughters-in-law exclude or not spend time with their husbands’ families?” – here are some answers
(1) Not spending time with someone is not the same as excluding someone. Mothers-in-law who feel “excluded” often aren’t being excluded at all — they’re just not getting 100% of what they want in a situation. (For example, the husband wants to spend holidays with his parents; the wife wants to spend holidays with hers. If the marital compromise is to alternate holidays between families, then his parents are “excluded” every so often. Another example: a MIL complains that she feels “excluded” from seeing her grandchild because it’s not at the frequency she’d like.) Happiness equals reality divided by expectations. The MILs have too high of expectations here.
(2) Not spending time with someone is often a way of communicating a boundary. Here’s an example: the parents-in-law come over too often for comfort. If in-laws use their status as family to ignore social norms, thinking it’s no big deal to visit whenever they feel like it without figuring out if it’s mutually convenient, then some women push back with resistance or simply spend the amount of time that they find appropriate.
(3) The husband/son is the issue. If a man is having a hard time relaying communication between his spouse and family of origin, or distinguishing between his roles as husband/father/son, then his spouse may be trying to make it easier on him by putting him in situations where he only has to focus on being one thing at a time.
(4) Perhaps the husband’s side of the family is truly awful to his wife. While on the surface being nice to everyone else, the MIL or FIL says terrible things under her breath about the DILs, and family gatherings are not joyful occasions for the women. Maybe the DIL would like to spend holidays in a healthy place where she’s not being insulted or abused.
Bottom line: The daughter-in-law’s actions should be viewed as part of a marital compromise or a reaction to an unbalanced situation, not the sole root cause of the imbalance.
I think you have some valid points and I agree for the most part with what you’re saying, however in all of the situations you described you seem to be referring to one particular type of MIL – Off-the-Wall Wanda. But what about the other types of MILs who may not realize how their actions are affecting you, but if they did would be willing to “work” with you? These MILs are also, at times, excluded and/or not included.
The husband situation you describe, I wonder…why is it OK for him to allow his wife to be the “heavy” with his family? Doesn’t that really set her up? Wouldn’t it be better, at the very least, for the couple to talk to his side of the family together, instead of putting it on the wife?
In some cases it is a marital compromise – true, but is it always? And if it is, why doesn’t the husband stand up with his wife?
Again, I am just asking questions, looking for answers…I realize there is not one set of answers, but getting the dialogue going is so helpful…particularly to me…so thank you!
Come on ladies…please join in!
I do agree with you Deanna, and you have given me some valid talking points to bring up with my son? What does one do, however, when the DIL has already told you she could not imagine not being with her family on the holidays so she doesn’t ever foresee them spending the hoildays with his side of the family.. To make matters worse, they are expecting their first baby in September…. and I fear she will never be inroduced to our holiday celebrations/traditions. Anyone have thoughts/suggestions?